Changes...

Well, I have had so many blog posts that I've written in my mind. I thought of this blog name one day while I was folding laundry and I thought it was so funny that I may as well blog about this pregnancy! I'll catch you up a little bit. And then on with the news...

This pregnancy caught me by surprise! Which, normally I don't really mind. I truly believe that all children are a blessing and the Lord always sends them at the right time. It's our own little world that sometimes struggles to get in line with God's that's sometimes difficult. That's how this journey started. Me having my own little world and learning that I actually had very little control over it! I had felt that I was maxed out and to have another little one right now might just put me over the edge. I learned that in fact, I didn't need to go over the edge (though, I think, had I chosen to focus on that, I certainly could have), I could learn and grow from this instead. As any mother learns very fast, each baby causes *us* to learn and grow!! So I set my mind on how I could learn. How I could condense my house work times, be more effective with my homeschooling times, etc. It's really very interesting what a little bit of pressure can teach a person! Lesson's I'm very grateful for, as usual. Not without a few tears and struggles along the way, mind you!
The next part of my journey had a much more joyful feeling of expectation then! What new things this little person would bring into our lives. Quickly the dreams began, dreams of pregnancy, birth and life. For the first time it looked that I would be able to have a midwife! Anyone who knows me well knows how much that means to me. A dream come true. I couldn't have had a home birth, since they don't travel to our town, but I could use a birth center in the city. I made the arrangements and things seemed to be falling into place.
This is when part three starts.... The day before Mother's day I started spotting. I'd never done that before during pregnancy, but I had heard of other's having it without problems. I tried not to be too concerned. It continued on this way for another 5 days, some days more then others. Then on Thursday things changed and it appeared as thought we would be loosing this baby. Since nothing was clear though, I decided to go in to see a Doc to see if they could tell for sure what was going on. He checked me over and agreed that it did look as though something could be up, but he wasn't convinced either. (too many gory details to really include at this point,lol)I guess some people can have a fair bit of bleeding and still have a healthy pregnancy. He sent me in for an ultrasound Friday morning to see if they could tell what was up. They could see a pregnancy for sure, but a few things didn't add up. One thing was the dates didn't make sense at all. Even though I wasn't totally sure of my dates anyways, the size of the baby showed 5 wks only, and I thought I had to be at least 7 and maybe 9. What looks like happened was this little one stopped growing at 5 wks and it's just taken a little while before things started clearing out. I had blood work done today to confirm it, and again on Tuesday, to see where my hormone levels are.
So here we are. We've come full circle I suppose. Not pregnant-shocked pregnant-happy pregnant-and not pregnant again. It seems almost cruel to go through this process. Life would have been much easier without it, for sure. But I'm sure there is some purpose, some reason. This little life was a part of us for something. Perhaps just to blaze a trail through our hearts for someone else? Only time will tell.
The odd thing is, I usually wait as loooooooong as I possibly can before sharing news of my pregnancies. This is the first time that I'd told some people early (a lot still don't know). Do I regret it? Well, no... I don't relish the awkward moments when someone congratulates you on your upcoming baby and you have to *cough* inform them that you're not having one anymore. But it's real life. That's all there is to it. So no, I don't regret it. Everyone that knows, I probably would have told about this loss anyways. It's a part of me, and my friends and family are a part of me too. I tend to be an open book anyways. And perhaps, if anything, this process can help someone else who's gone through the same thing. Who knows...
Part four... The healing. For those of you who don't know, I had a miscarriage 3.5 yrs ago. Between Kayla and Emily. I found it much harder to deal with then I ever imagined. I felt like it took me the 9 months that I would have carried that baby to clear the grief out of my system. Odd, I know. This time feels different though. Perhaps I'm different now. As much as I have grieved this loss (and likely still will), I want to choose life. Choose growth. Choose to grab onto all that I have and be so immensely thankful for it. I really want to be a good mother to the 4 amazing babies that I have. I guess this baby is already teaching eh?
Well, that sums up most of my thoughts for now. I may post more along the way about my journey through this. We'll see how comfortable I feel about sharing with everyone at once!! I tend to be fine letting people know I've had struggles, but it isn't always easy sharing while you go through one. If anything, pray for us if you think of it. For Larry and myself. This is hard for him too as he also loved this little one already also. Thanks so much family and friends, much love to all of you!

Last of all, I know this is weird maybe. But those who read this, could you just write a quick note, maybe just your name, in the comments? Just so I have an idea of who knows and who doesn't. If you click to comment annon, then you don't need to have a blogger account. You just need to sign your name in the comments.

Blessings!