My baby... Such a big boy!
Desire is a funny emotion. You can't trust it. But, neither can you make it go away. Logic tries very hard to kill desire, but, usually fails. But, desire can be fickle too. Sometimes you desire something, and then, later you find out that you didn't really want it all that bad anyways. But at the time, you woulda just killed to have such and such. But, we can't seem to kill desire with logic either. No matter how many reason you give desire, and try to tell it that it's wrong, it just keeps on going on...
So. I just can't seem to get over losing that baby. Not that I'm trying to forget or anything. But, it's not the same anymore.I don't feel like I'm grieving anymore, but... Once my emotions welcomed that little one into my life, well.. it was there. My heart was expanding, then, it emptied like a balloon that lost it's air midway through blowing it up, and it's never the same again.
It seems that pregnancy is in the air these days. I woulda been half way, I know, cause my sister is. I would be feeling this baby kicking and moving. Life.
I know. I know. I'm busy. Yes, I have four already. Yes, my plate is full. Yeah, I know, I'm not the perfect mom to the four I have. Yes, I get overwhelmed and need breaks. sigh. But... desire won't listen to that logic very well.
Maybe Nathan is my last baby. Now that I have a scar on my breast from the biopsy, perhaps that's best (logically, of course) not to nurse another babe.
Perhaps my desire is fickle...
I have to say, I'm so happy to be surrounded by all the other pregnancies at least! Ohhh yes, it's such a passion of mine. It's like I can still have that passion fed through all the pregnant people around me! And I'm so so excited for them!
To feed all this desire of mine. My love of pregnancy and birth. I'm really hoping to become a doula. Really really hoping! So, hopefully, within the next year I'll be able to get that! Which is another good reason to not get pregnant myself. (more logic)
Plus, I would loooooove to loose 20 lbs before being pregnant again. Ohhh this extra weight is so yucky. But it's stuck to me like glue. I've been exercising for a while not, but in the last month, consistently. I've gained 3 lbs... I weigh the same now as I did when I gave birth to Levi. Ok, so I was skinny and 21 at the time. But still, I wouldn't want to add an extra 30lbs to what I've got on me right now. Here's to hoping, in the next few months, a few lbs come off?
Anyways, this post is way too long. Today was a big day, with a birthday party for Levi and Kayla!! What fun we had! 16 kids here!
You inspired me to find your blog, thank you for sharing at Lola's and it was lovely to chat with you. How amazing the time flies and we see our children grow and change and we keep wondering what the next one will be like. After our few losses I kept wondering what it would be like to have 4 and then 6 and eventually 8 and then some kind words were shared with me that I do have 8. I am a mom of eight. My children would share with their friends that they had more sisters in heaven and it all seemed to make sense. You mention having so many friends having babies now and comfortable having loads of kids for parties and play dates at your home. Also the hope of one day being a doula SOON, all of this makes perfect sense! You are a baby lover both all of yours and all around~(friends). For me now there is a deeper desire to know that what I really need and want is to see what GOD is going to create in our hearts.
ReplyDeleteHey! I'm glad you found my blog :) Thanks so much for your note, it's very encouraging to hear from someone else who's experienced this road too. I've just been looking into the info (again, more indepth now) for becoming a doula, it sounds rather daunting just now, so I don't know how soon I'd get all the work done for it, but, hey, may as well get started right? Anyways, it was lovely meeting you at Lola's, thanks again for the note :) It means a lot to hear some feedback from these rather emotional posts, lol See you around :)
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