This has nothing to do with the post though!
I've been chewing on this for a while. We all have insecurities... (right? you DO don't you??!?!? hahaha) and I feel like I've been given more then my fair share! Anyways, I was going for a walk the other day with the kids and pondering one of my major insecurities... Wanna know what it is? It's kinda strange really...
People.
Funny thing is, I love people. I love meeting new people and having great chats. I love to socialize. But I've always had this nagging feeling that I'm too much of this or that. (ehem... I talk to much? hahaha) So often, I will hold back, and wait for people to come to me, just in case... in case of what? well, in case they actually don't want to talk to me! I know, that sounds silly, because personally, there's very few people who I would ever do that with. Well, they'd probably hafta be something scary for that too. But still, inside myself... When I see someone I barely know I think "crap... what if they see me and don't want to talk to me, or *gasp* don't remember me" And so I'll walk by and won't really "put myself out there" just in case they don't want to see me so then they'll be off the hook and won't have to talk to me unless they want to. Of course, not taking into account that they might be doing the same thing and perhaps we're both waiting for the other one to talk first! Oh silliness of all silliness eh!! But, as with most insecurities, we don't really realize we're doing that...
I will forever thank a certain random person from my teenage years for opening up my eyes to this. This person was someone I really wanted to get to know. She was just an ordinary person, but I really was drawn to her. Anyways, thinking that there was no way she'd actually want to get to know me, I played my little game, unknown to me of course. I truly thought I was being polite and giving her a way out so she didn't have to talk to me when she couldn't really want to. Anyways, I saw her on the street here in town one day and walked by her and she stopped me and said hi and then proceeded to stay something to the effect as "Why are you such a snob all the time and won't stop and talk to me?" I'm thinking she must have said it a little nicer then that, but I thought the word "snob" was used... Anyways, I was shocked! What? Me? A snob?? How could I be when no one actually wanted to talk to me, right??
Well... It was the BEST THING that anyone could have ever said to me. It exposed the lie I was believing. Unfortunately I never really got to know that girl any better, and she's moved away now. But that conversation was a turning point for me. I truly didn't see it. And still, I will find myself wanting to fall back into doing that when I'm feeling kinda... well, insecure!
Going back to what I was saying at the start, about walking and thinking on this... What I realized was this... Our insecurities generally drive us toward what we're actually insecure/fearful about. See, I didn't want people to feel they had to talk to me if they didn't want to, but in reality, I was pushing the very people I wanted to get to know... away from me!
I'm still learning a lot about friendships and I think that truly is a life long journey of learning. But I'm trying to assume someone wants a friend (even in me! hahaha) until proven other wise. I have a lot to learn. And I realize still, that sometimes I slide back into hiding in myself. But I don't think that's the way God wants me to be. Anyways... just some thoughts... What about you? What sets your knee's quaking? Do you find following the fear helps? Or walking through your fears! I love to hear other ideas and thoughts on this :)
Wow Saralyn, you've nailed to a "t" what has been going on in my own life/mind for years! I often assume that people don't want me to be their friend, though with a new friend I am usually optimisitic, until I "sense" they don't "want" me. .....(ok I've been dumped by friends where I am left dumbfounded/hurt...so of course this is what reinforces this "lie"...) There have been times where people have told me I'm a snob as well (as a kid) and as an adult, someone who eventually did become a good friend did tell me that originally she thought I wouldn't be her friend (snob) and I bet we hadn't ever spoken one word. I think it's true though, that people do want to be talked to. Maybe we all(ok not all:) walk around thinking these things and then it turns out that there are just a lot of lonely people...waiting for the other person to reach out. Hm. Good post. ps.I'm happy to be a friend, just pop by or give me a call! Now that gym class and swim club is over I never see ya!
ReplyDeleteChristine O.
I agree Christine, about having people not want to be friends, but my guess is far more people want to be friends then not, so may as well assume that they all want to be, right? Even as I type that, I get butterflies in my tummy, because it really is hard! lol I've been thinking of you lately too Christine, we really should get together! I've been rather antisocial, napping in my down time, lol But I realize my kids are getting lonely and I need to get together with more people! Are you doing swim club this year?
ReplyDeletei so get this - i wonder if that's why we end up hurting each other - because of our own insecurities & hurts. thank you for sharing such a vulnerable place in your heart.
ReplyDeleteYeah Sara Lyn, you're SUCH a snob!! Ha, ha - NOT! I used to be like that - I so wanted to be liked but thought it was easier to be withdrawn than get hurt (if someone snubbed me or said something hurtful) - and I often thought people said bad things about me. Now I just don't care what people think - I just put myself out there - and if God can use me to make someone smile, great, and if not, and they think I'm weird or too talkative or too artsy - then I'll be a fool, that's okay! A fool for God - there are too many "well put together people", I'd rather not pretend - and just be myself....even if it doesn't please everyone. I'd rather try to be open and possibly embarass myself than be locked in my tower.
ReplyDeleteSaralyn, are you off fb? What are you up to this week, do you want to come over? Also, L. might like vbs (oh and K. too:) this week out at Bethel in the country. My kids are going.
ReplyDeleteChristine O.
Hey Sara I love this honest beautiful post!! As girls we share a lot of insecurities and I agree with these awesome girls who commented.... these insecurities are lies, (the us versus us stuff) that stop in our tracks.. keeping us from being that great friend or wonderful blessing to another person. It is tough and what you shared is amazing..I remember so many times in childhood being drawn to a friend and thinking I am not enough she won't want to talk to me or like me.. and everytime that very person would ask me to be their friend and would tell me that worried about the exact same thing.
ReplyDeleteits tough to share from that place, you remind of the brillant women in the Love Comes Softly series, you are capable of anything.. you are kind, passionate, intelligent, an incredible mom and wife, I imagine you would make the best midwife possible, I am hoping you will take this up so that when I have babies you can be my midwife!! : ) I realize you are very busy tho but the idea makes me smile! I live in the north these days and we have wonderful midwives here!! God lead me to this great Devotional book this year "princess unaware".. it spoke alot about the things you are writing about and really opened my eyes! I wish for you and all girls to leave insecurities behind and be who we truly are, your gift to the world and all of us girls. You are a treasure and these posts make a big difference!
any girl would be lucky to be your friend!
Hey Jude! It's so nice to hear from you :) I should look up that devotional, I've read through the one I have... Where are you living in the North? My hubby is from the North and we've lived up there some. There's something beautiful and wild about it up there. Hmmm, I think I remember something about you being up there now. We're off to an appointment at children's hospital today for Emily, so it's these times it's nice to be in the south!
ReplyDeleteBlessings Judy!