tired... maybe?

        I'm not really sure what to title this post. Perhaps whining would be more accurate. I'm just feeling worn down. Worn down. Not even so much physically, though there is that too. Just the weight of this past year, and the continuing hardships (is it fair to call my piddly things hardships? Hmmm...) that seem to be pressing down on me. It just feels like a heavy weight, pulling me down. At least right now. Most of the time... well, most of the time, I just deal with the here and now. There's far too much to deal with to think of it all at once. Which apparently.. I'm doing right now!

I'm sad. Once again. My mom is deaf. It really changes everything. For our whole family. So far, this has been the most serious crash her hearing has had. Each time, we think it's bad, and the next time is worse. I hurt for her, for the changes and grieving the loss of a very important sense. I hurt for me. For the friend and the mother that I talked with every single day on the phone and I can no longer share my life with her so easily. And it's no one fault. It just is...  We will learn and adjust, we already are. We write things out and she lip reads fairly well, if she knows what the topic is about. But, that's only one person at a time,  she can't follow conversations in a group. She holds the kids and reads to them, but I know she would love to be part of the conversation. Mom has always added a witty edge to everything. And I miss that. I do.  Hopefully she will regain a measure of hearing again. Time will tell. So far, it comes back, and then leaves with a vengeance later.

I'm sad cause my husband is still sick. It's been a long road. He's somewhat better, but he's not better. He hurts and he can't sleep well at night often because of that. He pushes through, makes himself work even when he doesn't want to. But for him to stop, it would hurt him even more. He's not someone who does well doing nothing. Which I'm thankful for. But the future seems uncertain there too. It's hard for him. It's hard for me to see him hurt. And it just seems that everything takes a bit more effort then before. But, like I said before, I am thankful for the measure of health he does have!!

But... there's been a cost.  We've wanted to move out of town for... well, forever. We're not really town people. It really really goes against Larry's grain. But, the illness has had it's costs, and saving towards that is one of them. I know that God is bigger then those things, and finances, but it's still sad to see our humanly effort towards that dream disappear.

And. They found something up with Emily's kidney last week. I'm not thinking it's anything serious, but the test she had on Thursday was very nasty. We were both in tears. I'm very very tired of dr's.

There's a bunch of other things too... I don't need to whine anymore though. But venting some of the big stuff out does help some.

I'm happy though too! I'm sooo very happy to be having another little life join our family! To have a hope of good things to come. It feels like a sign, that there's still good to come for us. That this past year of miscarriage, breastlumps/biopsy,illness, and just hardship, minimal though it is, is hopefully coming to and end, because we know a little piece of heaven is on it's way to our family!
I'm happy as I look into the faces of my beautiful blessings, amazing little people that God has blessed us with. I'm so happy for them. I look around at my house, and all the things in it, and I know I'm blessed.  Signs of hope. 

I will be fine. I will be. And probably within an hour I will refocus and leave these problems in the Lords hands, or at least try to.