Miscarrriage update

I haven't talked about this much lately. A lot of the reason is, I don't want to blow up the issue and bore you all with my emotions (brb, baby crying...). But, I also want to be honest with how things are with a miscarriage. So others that might go through this don't get the idea that for some people, it's nothing, just a bump in the road, etc. It's a real loss, and honestly, it still hurts.

I have a few people in my life who are expecting right now. And I'm so glad I can live vicariously through them right now. But every now and then a thought hits, and it hurts all over again. When I hear of other mom's, who'd be expecting around the same time as me, now saying that they feel the baby move, I think "oh... I could have been feeling my baby move right now..." I could be barely showing right now. I could be thinking of getting all the baby gear out again. Yes, I was overwhelmed at the idea of another little one, but by the time we lost Jordyn, I had already come to peace (the reason for the middle name) with the idea of having him/her and was excited about this baby.

Emotionally life hasn't been that easy either. Some days are good, some are not. I've felt rather blindsided about all of it really. I've felt frazzled and fried. In a way that I haven't really remembered feeling before. Perhaps when Levi and Kayla were little it was this way too, and I've blocked it out, lol. But, the days are not consistant. And a little thing can throw me off. I've talked to several of my Aunts about this (love my Aunties!) and they've kinda helped me to understand that, even if I've come to peace with loosing Jordyn, my hormones in my body will still need time to settle down again.

Thinking of all the hormones being out of wack made me think about this year or last 8 months I should say. It's actually been a very stressful year!
-December was hard, with Larry working out of town, right at Christmas time, then only home for Christmas day and gone again.
-January, he was still gone, and all the kids got sick, sick, sick. I had them all puking. It was more intense then I've ever dealt with. Nathan puked for 7 days, everywhere. It started by puking all over a table at a restraunt. With my Grandpa. So sickies was the theme of Jan
-Feb, Larry was still gone some. It was getting tiring.
-March, I had to prep for a conference I was playing guitar for in April. I can't just wing these things anymore. It took an enormus amount of time for me. I was so stressed I actually skipped a period, something I've never done before. Larry was still gone some of the time. Winter felt long and hard. I also ran a fundraiser for this conference, which went well. But it was hard for me, I didn't have time. Then at the end I had a lady ream me out, because she thought she was on the list for sponsership and I had never been given her name. She told me if I couldn't do a good job at these things I shouldn't be doing them. Sheesh.
April, more conference stress, bit more intense. Plus, I was suspecting I was maybe preg at this point. Since I couldn't tell what was going on with my cycle, things happened! lol This pregnancy was exausting, right from the start. Super exausting.
End of April was conference. I was so exausted, I didn't think I could stand on the stage. I sobbed in my room before hand. I could just see myself passing out up there. God was faithful, and He gave me the strength to make it through the conference.
I came home more exausted then ever. I just wanted to sleep the week away. 4 kids, homeschooling, piano lessons/skating/awana/gym and art classes all kinda got in the way. I felt like I didn't really get to recover. I took a pg test and found it positive. I cried. Larry was upset. I was overwhelmed. I told baby it wasn't that I didn't want it, it was just that mommy was tired. I'd hoped baby didn't take it personally. I cried more, for days. Larry told me he had a talk with the Lord and he was glad this little one was coming, excited even! This gave me strength. I was still so exausted. Slowly, I became ok with it all. Then happy, and at peace with it. God sent this baby for a reason, even through all the stress, it was going to be ok. Then, the day before mother's day. It was the start of the end. 1 wk of on and off, not knowing. Then knowing. 3 wks of painful cramps and bleeding.

You all know the rest, since I've blogged about this. So, thinking it all over makes me realize that I guess my hormones and emotions have had a bit of a roller coaster this year. I hope that I learn from it at least!

But right now, I do feel weak. Vulnerable at times. Strong at times too. But a miscarriage is a big deal. We don't have to let these things run our lives, but, they kinda do anyways, in their own small way.

I've started taking evening primrose oil, which is suppose to help sooth the nerves some. I've started exersizing again, which totally helps. (Jocelyn says "exersize for your sanity, not your vanity!") I've had some good conversations. Larry and I have had some fights, and worked it through. All good things. Honestly, a good fight can really help release emotional build up! Well, you do need to work it through though.

So now ya know. It hasn't all been smooth sailing here. But the boat hasn't sunk either. I have dark days. I think we all do. It's just been a bit darker since loosing Jordyn. But, this I know!! I will recover! I will be fine! I have hope :)

Thanks for walking this jouney with me all. I may or may not write more about miscarriage now. Since I don't want it to run my life. But feel free to ask me :) As most know, I'm pretty open, about practically everything! I'll just blog about life again now...